New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
