At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
