How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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