apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
