I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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