he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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