I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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