I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
