I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
not ubering you a puppy
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