at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
