Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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