i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
