just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
