it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
