I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
