I'm jealous of your bromance
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
