Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
