Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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