someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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