Don't make out with my wife yet
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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