lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
