Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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