how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
