yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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