he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
