took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she peed on how many people?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
