I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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