I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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