i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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