I am spending my child support on dildos
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
