Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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