Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
