it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
