Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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