I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
