we have pet lesbian snakes
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
