Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
