Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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