I think scott just propositioned me for sex
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
