I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just cut my nipple shaving
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
