dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
