Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I didn't notice because vodka
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
