I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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