Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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