I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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