no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
