My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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