my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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