: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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