I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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