I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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