I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
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the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?