You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
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Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
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The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So vagazzling was a success
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.