did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
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I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
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Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"