I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him