the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
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He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
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Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
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