He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
