Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
