Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
