That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Life is so much better after having sex.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
