I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
